In COVID-19, Know When to Fold
You, too, should be winning at conserving toilet paper
Sometime in the first weeks of the pandemic, people on the Internet began dispensing wisdom.
Not much wisdom. Just the same wisdom.
Over and over and over.
This is still repeating even now, two months in. You’d think they’d give it a rest.
Of course, as s̶o̶m̶e̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶b̶i̶g̶g̶e̶s̶t̶ ̶g̶r̶i̶f̶t̶e̶r̶s̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶A̶m̶e̶r̶i̶c̶a̶ our national leaders know, repetition is truth. It doesn’t hurt that all I’m doing right now is watching cat videos and ranting at politicians. I saw the light.
Yes, I’ve joined the ranks of the self-improving and cast my cynicism and months-old business pajama bottoms aside to realize I HAVE perfected a new skill over these last two months.
It turns out I was improving my lot all long. The truth was right under my — well, let’s just get to the how-to part.
This new skillset may represent the most relevant breakthrough in recent memory, not just for me, but for all people, over all time. Applied diligently, in the end, it is a skill that you can grasp in a matter of seconds and perfect over a lifetime of bodily functioning. In short, this is a real go-to move.
America, I have learned how to fold and refold a couple of pieces of toilet paper to last me an entire…visit with my conscience.
Because like, geez, WE’RE ALREADY WASHING OUR HANDS FOR AN AGONIZING AMOUNT OF TIME AS IT IS. We might as well make them worth washing, amiright?
One day I simply took the initiative of folding instead of wadding, just to see if I could make a difference in the family’s daily sheet use. Then the Zenlike concentration took over, and over the last eight weeks, I have perfected variations:
- “The Trust the Future” This is the basic two-sheet pull (three or even four, if you’re new or it’s a big moment). Use the open sheets with artistic care, fold, use again, fold if necessary, use again.
- “The In the Moment” Pull your sheets, fold, use, fold again, use again.
And I understand, there will be times when you’re just like, “Fuck it, I’m gonna wad up what I want like in the good old days. We’ve all been there. I won’t judge. I call this move “The GOP.”
I have not required anyone else in the family to join me in the experiment (I’m not a monster), or even spoken to them. Believe it or not, offline I have a delicate sensibility and can’t bring myself to talk with my loved ones about base bodily functions. Just the Internet.
Eliminating the Barriers to Productivity
I realize this can’t possibly be as important as day trading (though similar), Multi-Level Marketing (unless I hire some friends), or sidehustles (though when ya gotta go, ya gotta hustle). Let’s all recall, however, that when the global shit hit the fan, the tough went for the paper goods aisle. The highly scientific and trustworthy site How Much Toilet Paper? estimates that the average person has stockpiled 500% more toilet paper than needed for quarantine, a tissue-thin assertion that is full of holes but still makes this paragraph look good.
If you really want to get to the bottom of this urgent issue spanning many continents, you’d do what I do: Ask a plumber.
True Plumbers, a Florida-based company, lives up to its name on both counts with an in-depth exposé that gives us the straight poop on TP use:
- the average person uses nearly 9 sheets of paper per trip (so adopting my method, even practiced badly and using double the sheets, could save 50% or more paper over time)
- 40% of people are folders, 40% are wadders, and 20% are wrappers, a technique I will aim to perfect during the second wave this fall.
- Apparently, women tend to be wadders and men tend to be folders. Possibly, men are just better liars.
So there you have it: I have perfected a skill, and passed it on to you, thus also giving all of us another good habit to feel shitty about when we drop it.
During this unprecedented time, when many of us are socially distancing and baking sourdough out of an abundance of caution, I want to pledge this to you: even though I do have more time now, and have learned a thing, I continue my commitment to lacking discipline.
Say, drop me a line and tell me how your plans are going. I’d love to hear your goals. Keep going — and don’t lose your nerve!
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